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Fucked-Off Shamrock Shirt.

There's a 40 something, almost 50, Iranian married engineer in the building who's constantly comparing me to his "useless" 28 year-old son-in-law that lives in his poolhouse and gives me shit about absolutely everything ("Pull your shirt up! Pull your shirt down! American women don't get enough beatings! You better be doing something besides moping tonight! Why are you constantly single!? When I was your age...") in addition to ripping all over every American holiday or tradition (although he teared up and flung his arms around me when I gave him a Starbucks giftcard for Christmas) and pointing out the uselessness of our calendar (not unlike his son-in-law), who concluded today that I was a lesbian when I told him once again that I had no plans for the evening.

"You're wearing your fucked-off shamrock shirt! You might as well go to a bar and get lucky. Why do you never have a man?"

"I told you a million times," I explained to him, "They mean nothing to me. I don't need some douche."

"Some douche is better than no douche!"

I just shook my head in silence.

"I'm onto you, you lesbian."

I would be inclined to agree with him were it not for the fact that I don't have a woman either.

Comments

( 15 comments — Leave a comment )
daddylovebucket
Mar. 18th, 2010 05:38 am (UTC)
that douche is a douche.

Men suck, I'm living proof.
velouria
Mar. 19th, 2010 07:38 pm (UTC)
we all suck.
hatchelt
Mar. 18th, 2010 09:24 am (UTC)
I like him, he's clearly a very angry man.
velouria
Mar. 19th, 2010 07:37 pm (UTC)
i like him too, excepting the rare occasion i'm not in the mood for sexual harassment.
jonn68
Mar. 18th, 2010 06:24 pm (UTC)
But, if he already thinks you're a lesbian, why is he trying to get you a man?

No, no...nothing about his logic holds up at all!
velouria
Mar. 19th, 2010 07:38 pm (UTC)
he didn't start out thinking that. it was a year-long process.
jonn68
Mar. 19th, 2010 08:25 pm (UTC)
I'm going to start a blog called "Year-long lesbian process."
velouria
Mar. 19th, 2010 09:45 pm (UTC)
haha. it's actually been a 28-year process, he's just entering the picture a little late.
ba_doinger
Mar. 19th, 2010 10:41 pm (UTC)
I've got the perfect premise for a tv show: you and that Iranian guy team up to solve crimes -- Your back-and-forth Banter and your anti-american and lesbian jokes would win you fans.
velouria
Mar. 19th, 2010 11:13 pm (UTC)
haha. i'll pitch it to him. you produce us.
ba_doinger
Mar. 20th, 2010 01:17 am (UTC)
I'd love to!! I imagine his catchphrase being, "I'm on to you, you lesbian," followed by some cheesy tv music.
velouria
Mar. 20th, 2010 05:29 am (UTC)
synths. and we wear white suits over pastel shirts with loafers. in miami.
ba_doinger
Mar. 20th, 2010 10:41 pm (UTC)
I love it. ...with Five o'clock shadows.
velouria
Mar. 21st, 2010 02:30 am (UTC)
well, shadow. singular.
jonn68
Mar. 22nd, 2010 03:45 pm (UTC)
I'd watch the hell out of that show.
( 15 comments — Leave a comment )