Velouria (velouria) wrote,
Velouria
velouria

Shake the Disease

Although I don't have hooves, I do believe I've somehow managed to acquire Hoof and Mouth disease. I do if the giant, pulsing, cystic zit on my lip is any indication. So unable to leave my house, I'm going to drink Hypnotique and make a list of girls that my boyfriend thinks are hot that irritate me. He never explicitly told me he thought they were hot, he's just made comments in passing that if he knew I remembered and later memorialized, would probably think me psychotic. Oh well.

-Katie Holmes. She has an "adorable snaggletooth." I set out Googling this tooth at work (I don't have time at home due to my rich social life) and when I clicked on a picture I found a suitable illustration of such tooth, it came up banned. Reason: PORNOGRAPHY. Oh for fuck's sake. What a good time will be had by all when I try to explain that I was not looking at pornography, but rather Katie Holmes' snaggletooth for jealousy purposes.

-Krysten Ritter. I don't think he knows he likes her, but he asked me ten times who she while I was reading an Us magazine that featured an ad for her show. I DON'T KNOW, I snapped, lying so that he wouldn't go look her up.

-Zooey Deschanel. I have no proof of this, but he watches New Girl an awful lot.

-Katy Perry. I love her makeup and wigs, while he is most likely partial to her enormous bosom.

-The girl hanging out of the skyroof of her limo with her perfect boobies flying around outside a San Jose Shark's Game. "Look at that!" he exclaimed, reaching past my nose to point. Yes, look at that.

I think perhaps the energy I put into Googling Katie Holme's snaggletooth has manifested itself into Hoof and Mouth disease. Hopefully meditation class and/or therapy can help me channel this energy elsewhere. Like into my boobs.

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