Velouria (velouria) wrote,
Velouria
velouria

I Can't Smile

If you look closely, you will see my problems are progressing and this one is no exception. My boyfriend and I broke up. Sobbing on my just-arrived lilac loveseat sleeper that I would soon be sleeping on, I told him we had different life goals, that we hadn't been spending any time together, that we'de never had anything in common...

I agree, he said, blank-faced, and then, "I knew in my heart we didn't belong together."

This stuck me like a knife, but what was I expecting? my mother pointed out when I said he didn't fight for me. "For him to get on a horse and duel?"

That was not the hardest part, however. The hardest part has been living together in the house we are locked in a lease in that I insisted on having 4 months ago. We can either pay off the $1,500 a month we owe through April (right) or have them put the house up for rent again, which we've opted to do and which they're dragging their feet on.

I lay around on various surfaces weeping and sobbing and throwing up whatever I try to eat (in a toilet) and he'll hug me to "try to make things easier for me" but that "makes things harder for him" because it's hard for him not to touch me, he says. We admit we still love each other, at least until I holed myself up in my office the other evening, all evening.

"What are you doing?" he said looking as if he were going to cry.

I started crying.

"I'm overwhelmed."

And so I got a text Friday afternoon while I was at work: "House is yours. Enjoy your personal space." This caused me to begin weeping at work, which I've been doing a lot of lately. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing, okay. I don't know anything, anymore. Nothing makes sense to me. Nothing is certain and everything is swaying under my feet and that's always been the worst feeling in the world for me.
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