Velouria (velouria) wrote,
Velouria
velouria

Half a Person

I had hope for about two weeks. It was weird. I'd never really felt it before.One day at work, I wrote out my married name on a pink Post-It note pad all day and was happy at work! For once in my life, I had a plan. And hopes. And dreams. I was going to finish off all my business in Sacramento for a year or so and begin finding a promotion at one of the prisons in the central valley. Then I would find a house in Visalia, load all my stuff in a u-haul and go move in with my fiance. He would have proposed a year earlier (now) so we'de have a wedding on The Day of the Dead. I collected pictures of rings and dresses and sugar skull cakes on Facebook, which my sister told me was desperate, but I didn't think anything of it. He had said to me earlier on in our relationship, "I love you. I'd like to marry you." I took it to heart and held it there. Well all that was left to do was to talk to him about it. I started with his Mom first, which may have been weird, but I felt close to her. She once told me she loved me too. I texted her one morning asking if she thought her son had plans to propose to me because I'd like to move down there. She said all she knew was that I was his one and only.
But then I talked to him about it. I knew he was spending what little money he had on guitars, and wanted to know if maybe he could spare some for a ring, because I'd like to move down there and start a family with him, and his mother, and his son. And I would like to have a baby too. I just turned 33. There was no non-pathetic way to put it, and I knew that, but I wasn't prepared for the asshole-ripping I received. He'd committed all he could at the present time, and was in no hurry to "be in his 40's with a family anyway." To be fair, he cited the time he stayed up here a month and I kicked him out at week three. He'd been playing a video game late into the evening while I laid on the bed and stared at the wall night after night. "How can I propose to someone who can't committ to me for 4 weeks?" he asked. Then he said all I wanted was a ring and a piece of paper and had no idea what committment even was. He linked me to some article about ultimatums and how ridiculous it was to have to threaten someone into marrying you. My eyes filled with tears as I angrily typed explitives and told him I was done, that I didn't deserve this. Did he think I was a joke? That I was going to continue driving to Tulare to see him until he decided to marry me in his fucking 40's? He told me I was "tripping." I threw my phone so hard into the glove box the battery cracked off and left it there.
Back in the office, I sat in my cubicle hiccuping on sobs as his words sunk in. Jesus Guy came over to console me, and then to tell me to go home and that he would tell the boss I had a headache.I clambered for my things and staggered down the cold, dark hallway, realizing I would never leave this place. I would never leave the town that brought me nothing but pain and suffering. I had just lost the little family I'd created in my head and was back to my own mean, sarcastic, one. Worse, I'd lost my best friend. He didn't want me. He didn't fucking want me.
So I'm back to wandering my little house like the undead. I asked for tomorrow off so I could just be unconscious. That is all that is left to enjoy.
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