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I Miss You Like You're Dead

I have not been doing well. But in the interest of not becoming an alcoholic prostitute on the streets (an option I could keep on the table, my friend assured me) I've been getting up and going to work (and not drinking). One day I arrived to find a handful of monitor wipes in my chair and they looked to be instead a handful of condoms. Horrified, I rushed to my chair and snatched up the little silver packages, sure someone I'd told that I'd broken up was fucking with me.

My new psychiatrist put me on Ambien so I could stop staggering out the door and into my car on no sleep, a condition worse than the Klonopin stupor I'm not allowed to put myself in anymore as the pharmacies all have my picture at their registers. "SCOTT DROVE TO IN N OUT ON AMBIEN AND DOESN'T REMEMBER IT," my sister immediately volunteered upon finding out about my latest prescription. "Who the fuck is Scott and what the fuck?" I texted back to her, sitting on my bed with the pill in hand and a mostly empty gallon of milk in the other.


I lowered both the pill and the milk and thought seriously about that. I'm a shitty driver when I'm awake. How would I fare in a state of unconsciousness? I went to the window and looked at my car in the driveway. Suddenly I cheered up.

"I don't have any gas," I told her and returned to my room to take the pill. It was true. If I chose to drive to In n Out, I would not make it very far. Couldn't I go to McDonald's or Burger King or even Boston Market if necessary? They were so much closer. I decided I'd made those drives so many times, I'd be successful at them even in a coma. I thought of all the activities Hope from Days of Our Lives was able to carry out during her extended periods of Stefano-inflicted amnesia. Yeah, I could make it to Taco Bell.

I woke up in my bed the next morning, no evidence of any fast food around me. Unless I dined at Chili's or something and finished my whole meal which is unlikely, I appeared to have remained in bed. Later that day I would run a red light at Watt Ave and cringe as the flashbulbs and another 500 dollars went off, but I was fully conscious at the time. Unfortunately.