I don't like my life. I am not happy. The thing is, I've never liked my life and I've never been happy. So what do I work from? The last time I remember being truly happy, I was driving to see my new boyfriend. We'de been talking all night and I was going to see him for the first time. When I finally got there, he had a sheepish look on his face which he later described to me as his "falling in love with Colleen" face. He began kissing me and I was blurting "I love you" before I knew it.
Now he hugs me with one arm when we part and doesn't touch me in the meantime. We haven't talked all weekend, and the last thing I uttered to him was something mean and nasty. I made him ask me to marry him and now he has no intention of ever doing it.
The owner of the "dodgy motel" (Australian visitor's words) we stayed in last week in Santa Monica asked him why he hadn't married such a gorgeous girl as me yet. Wasn't he afraid I'd be stolen out from under him? He shrugged and said he didn't live in fear of anything. I laughed nervously and then went back in the dodgy motel feeling like a fucking idiot.
While borrowing money, quite pathetically, from my ex at the end of last month, I mentioned to him that at least he and I hadn't fought as much as he did with his current girlfriend. "Yeah, because no one cared enough," he (too) shrugged. "We were just apathetic." I sat stung by his words accross from him at the Starbucks table with my white mocha in hand. Really? I didn't respond, just laughed nervously and felt like a fucking idiot.
I wish I couldn't hear myself sing along so terribly to this Kanye song over the headphones. I mean, Kanye can't sing either but at least he has that autotune technology.