Velouria (velouria) wrote,

I'm Feeling Much Better Now

I took my meds Friday night, I think. Have been in bed all weekend Rentoning from Trainspotting. Unable to discern whether it is some facet of withdrawel, or if I am so obessive compulsive I can't function. I remember being med-free in my twenties, but I guess I was drunk then. I was neither drunk nor on meds as a teenager, but that was the last time I remember feeling quite this miserable as well.

I would wake up in the dark and cold from a sweet unconscious. Still my favorite thing to be...and there I was again. In the bedroom that was disgusting because I was a hoarder. Awake again and having to dig around for some semblance of an outfit so that I could get to that freezing empty locker room at the high school and sit on a bench for half an hour before first period - Phsy Ed - started, and then I'd take that outfit back off, exchanging it for a scratchy sweatshirt and shorts with my last name written on them.

I remember noting that not even the happy kids looked happy on those mornings. We'd stand out on the blacktop while the coach took roll, pretending to stretch while grimacing. Our breath coiling up in the cold and lingering like souls outside our bodies. We'd then run a mile in under 5 minutes, something I marvel at my ability to do now, and move on to something immeasurabley horrific, such as hurling dodge bolls at the heads of the vulnerable (me) for an hour.

Some mornings I think about that when I sit down in my cubicle and spin my chair around to the computer at my dull job. I'm glad that part is over. I'm glad I'll never have to go through that again. And I tell myself I'm never coming back here to put myself through it. Not even the to the most carefree life, the most beautiful body, the most sound mind. Because I'd still be subject to the gravity, the disease and discord, the death and decay that we all are on this rock. And maybe I still don't get the point this time around, but I'm good. That's enough. I will finish this particular dumbass life as best I'm able.

In closing, please don't tell your crazy friends that they should get off thier meds because you think they're fat and unmotivated, nor that things could be worse. I know things could be worse, I've had urinary tract infections and kidney stones. I haven't been blown up in Syria or homeless (yet), but I am a batshit crazy. I've got lots of challenges and so does everyone else, so lay off.

And sorry to the guy I shoved in Starbucks. I'm supposed to "act in love" and I suck at that, sometimes. I am still trying although it probably doesn't look like it when I'm tailgating you.

Tags: abilify, batshit crazy, lexapro, meds, withdrawal
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