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Confessions of an Addict

Lately I've discovered my hands wandering up into my hair. That's the way it starts. Next thing I know, I'm bald.

I've worked so hard and suffered so mightily through growing it back the last 9 months. The last four years, I've been falling short of my one-year anniversary of pulling every time. I can just undo and ruin it all in minutes. I'm so fucking terrified of disfiguring myself again. What goes on in my mind is so overpowering, I end up with no control over my own body parts.

I was buying oreos and pink & white animal circus cookies today at the corner market, and couldn't understand why. Why, other than that my own brain in my own skull would torment me until I bought sugar and consumed it.

I don't drink alcohol because I don't have to drink it at all. I'm so disgusted with how it affected me, I just don't touch it. How do I get to that point with food? I have to have food, but do I have to have circus animal cookies? Why can't I turn away from them?

I have a vision of dying around age 40 to 45 from my diet and sedentary lifestyle. I'm not particularly adverse to that because I hate my diet and sedentary lifestyle so much, and I hate that I have no motivation to change it. I sometimes make a tiny bit of progress and unravel it almost immediately.

I recognize that our culture prizes physical beauty over spiritual, and that dropping weight won't necessarily make me content. But it doesn't excuse me destroying my body.

I have to try harder than I am.