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Thank God for Victoria Secret's new line.

This past week I got my 3 inch heel caught in the cuff of my flair pants at the top of my stairs and consequently fell down my stairs, flinging the stupid potluck Diet Pepsi I was forced to bring all asunder. My journey continued down two or three stairs. Everyone's reaction when asking why I'm walking like an old man is to laugh uproariously. Everyone. Thanks assholes. I'd hate to see your response to your baby dying of SIDS. I bet it's a real America's Funniest Home Video moment.

That same day at work, I noticed a draft and looked down to see a gaping hole in the crotch of my pants. This was probably a result of tumbling down the stairs. I wasn't wearing underwear, cause I hadn't done laundry in approximately ever. Oh man, what a sick feeling. I'd just returned from the office waffle breakfast party, and now I was sitting in a circle with my coworkers discussing our Christmas plans. The voices around me became a dull roar in my head as I contemplated just how many people had seen my vagina in the last two hours. My estimate is that it's far more than I'd ever shown it to on purpose or ever will again.

My Christmas plans were quickly altered to "drink self to death." It has not yet been realized. Shooting for New Years now.

Comments

( 12 comments — Leave a comment )
lockenkey
Dec. 26th, 2006 09:53 pm (UTC)
holy shit are you ok? i men your stairs are cement and all, nothing broken? im sorry that it turned out that way. people can be retty stupid and insensitive at times. i hope your plans dont go as far as death cuz then you would be missed. illgive ya a call soon buttercup
velouria
Dec. 26th, 2006 10:32 pm (UTC)
suuuure like you didn't laugh hysterically. i'm alright. i thought my femur was broken, but it seems to uh, not be.
you should come back for new years. we'll drink that elephant snot to our deaths. or you can. i will just watch and grimace.
saregu
Dec. 26th, 2006 10:43 pm (UTC)
don't kill yourself too quickly. I get back into town this wed. you know?
velouria
Dec. 26th, 2006 11:04 pm (UTC)
for serial? what shall we do?
saregu
Dec. 27th, 2006 05:34 am (UTC)
well, I've always wanted to be part of a drunken orgy.
velouria
Dec. 27th, 2006 06:27 am (UTC)
i can swing the drunken part.
comrade_general
Dec. 26th, 2006 11:34 pm (UTC)
Well, I hope you heal soon.

And as far as that extra hole in your pants, just tough it out for a few more days. Exposing genitalia on New Year's is completely appropriate and you'll have plenty of fellow crotchless freaks then.
velouria
Dec. 27th, 2006 06:27 am (UTC)
i'll be wearing five pairs of pants, thanks.
rhavey
Dec. 28th, 2006 03:51 pm (UTC)
You do know that SIDS is Sudden Infant Death Syndrome and happens suddenly not over a lot of time in which on can sit and "laugh" at. Just an FYI.
velouria
Dec. 29th, 2006 01:50 am (UTC)
yes, i am on top of my acronyms. i suspect that SIDS commences in about as much time as it took me to fall down my stairs, which was a lengthy enough period to be a barrel of laughs.
i typically lack the desire to break down my entries for the sense of humorless, so i am afraid that i must demand monetary compensation if you will be in need of this service again.
stephanieseon
Mar. 20th, 2007 03:57 pm (UTC)
LMAO.
velouria
Mar. 21st, 2007 11:59 pm (UTC)
see, you get it.
( 12 comments — Leave a comment )