Velouria (velouria) wrote,
Velouria
velouria

Putting the ass in assistant

The potluck in my honor today, Secretary's Day, was both touching and awkward, because at least 50% of the office isn't all that fond of me. They were just following orders. So they twist around in their chairs and make uncomfy little frowny faces while the half of the office that can stand me makes off-color remarks with me. It's the prison guards that like me, and the bureaucrats that don't. I take this to mean that my calling in life was to have been prison guard, and I have missed it. According to all the "crazypants" metaphysical books I read all night, this is a sign that I need to align my annoying personality with my beautiful soul. Apparently it is my annoying personality that is hindering me from being what my beautiful soul intended me to be (lesbian prison guard). Actually, I was already well aware that my annoying personality was destroying my life. This was not something I needed to spend $7.99 on to find out ($19.99 if the paperback was unavailable).

Then I had to clean up after the potluck so they could interview me for the promotion. I expected it to be about what we do all day, which I am intimately familiar with. But no. It was a string of personal questions about how my life experience may have prepared me for the arduous task of analyzing. I struggled to draw meaningful content from my many nights of dicking around on the internet and staring enraptured at America's Next Top Model. I could not come up with much. But I think they were distracted anyway by my snazzy blazer and pointy heels, which I am counting on to win them over. They have never seen me in anything but wifebeaters and Old Navy flip-flops. At least not since my first interview.

All the nervous energy made me fidgety, so I walked up to the corner market to get an icee. On my way out, a guy told me I'd dropped something. I looked around for 10 or 20 minutes until he finally said, "It's your smile." My urge to kill him was eclipsed by the fact that I thought it was cute, so I ended up smiling. Shucks.
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