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Shut up, open wide, here I come.

First of all, I don't know why I wear "black cherrybomb" lip gloss to the dentist. They smear it all over my face like Heath Ledger in Gotham. Perhaps I should take the advice of my abusive internet suitors. Secondly, I only went for a simple checkup, but my dentist was outraged upon finding out that I'd canceled my wisdom teeth removal six months ago.

"Why?" he demanded.

"I don't have the two grand you guys want for it," I replied.

"It looks like it's the anesthetic that's costing so much," he informed me.

"Can't you just use chloroform?"


"I have some in my trunk."

This was met with several seconds of extreme silence and furrowed brows. When that concluded, he enlightened me to the fact that the top two could just be yanked out with some numbing, "for free." Well Goddamn. Do it then.

So he shot my gums full of what I assume was heroin, which I have long fantasized about in the depths of my soul-destroying face pain, and ripped them out. I felt nothing. I paid nothing. I asked him to please take out the bottom two in the same manner, but he refused. That will require unconsciousness and surgery. Whatever. I think I'll try it at home.

In my heroin-induced stupor, I heard the hygienist say that she liked my fangs. They give me character. Yes, I do believe that character goes by "Dracula."

I'd planned to continue on to work, but now my cheeks are stuffed with toilet paper and I cannot feel my face from the nose down. I shall then occupy myself with the ginormous Ikea catalog I received yesterday, much to my delight. I love them so.


( 10 comments — Leave a comment )
Aug. 7th, 2008 06:15 pm (UTC)
Abusive Internet Suitors needs to be a band name.

Fangs are awesome.
Aug. 7th, 2008 06:42 pm (UTC)
or a book, which i am writing.
Aug. 7th, 2008 08:56 pm (UTC)
The cover should have a guy getting a computer terminal dumped onto his head.
Aug. 7th, 2008 09:44 pm (UTC)
Also, I wish my teeth were as easy to pull out.

It took four to five shots of the liquid heroin and TWO HOURS for my dentist to pull two of my wisdom teeth. I actually had to schedule a second appointment to get the other ones.

He actually worked up a SWEAT trying to get them out.
Aug. 7th, 2008 10:44 pm (UTC)
dang. i guess i'm easy.
Aug. 8th, 2008 12:22 am (UTC)
I'll let someone else go after THAT comment.
Aug. 9th, 2008 01:27 am (UTC)
any takers?
Aug. 9th, 2008 04:14 am (UTC)
easy like baking an apple pie?
Aug. 9th, 2008 06:22 am (UTC)
like sunday morning.
Aug. 9th, 2008 07:43 am (UTC)
I'm more easy like a saturday morning.

Lionel Richie didn't think of that one.
( 10 comments — Leave a comment )