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I dress this way just to keep them at bay.

So after my shit day at work, I go shopping for lesbian suits to wear at my interview Wednesday. I figure my only hope is to look "professional" considering I freeze up and stare at them in the retardedest of manners when they ask me what my name is.

First of all, mankind: GET AWAY FROM ME. Why do you have to look at the very same lesbian suit I'm looking at? Why do you have to breath on me, first-generation Russian lady?

Then I'm in the dressing room hopping around on one foot when it becomes apparent to me that I will never, ever get in this particular lesbian suit unless I get in a Delorian and go back to 2002, and I trip over my own enormous purse and crash into the door, tumbling out into the store. This is especially horrifying given that I just had to look at my ass under the fluorescent yellow lights and now every one else was. Jesus Christ, no one is allowed to come at me from behind ever again unless they're wearing some kind of blindfold under the pretense of being kinky, but that's irrelevant, because in addition to everything else:

People are now refusing to have cyber sex with me in addition to regular sex. Are you kidding me? I know you've always hated me, God, and you can bet the feeling's mutual now.

And in retrospect, the lesbian suit looks more like a flannel bathrobe than anything. Whatever, I'm going to go slop vodka all over it.


( 20 comments — Leave a comment )
May. 12th, 2009 03:09 pm (UTC)
This just made me blow orange juice out of my nose.

Go to camcontacts.com - no suits needed, flannel bathrobes optional. I've just checked it out (for research purposes you understand) and you win over most that I saw.. you defo beat bublebutt69 & sexxxyfilthycumslutwantsyourLDrightnowbabyyeah
May. 13th, 2009 12:07 am (UTC)
i'll look into it.
May. 13th, 2009 08:29 am (UTC)
Jilling skillz to pay dem billz.
May. 13th, 2009 02:20 pm (UTC)
meet me there at 23:00 my time. sn=sexyfilthygrainyfuriouscumslut
May. 13th, 2009 02:48 pm (UTC)
Cool, lets roleplay. You be Baby, I'll be Francis.

*orders hotpants
May. 12th, 2009 03:16 pm (UTC)
Holy crap, thank you for saying it. The thing I most hate about shopping anywhere (besides shopping) is how people stand RIGHT NEXT TO YOU looking at the same thing.

Stupid humans.

Am I sick and twisted for thinking the falling out of the changing room was a little endearing?

I know, I'm sick.
May. 13th, 2009 12:21 am (UTC)
humans standing too close to me seems to be a problem with life in general.
May. 13th, 2009 01:49 am (UTC)
edit: not the ones i actually want anywhere near me.
May. 13th, 2009 02:03 pm (UTC)
Yeah, I can relate.
May. 12th, 2009 05:43 pm (UTC)
refusing cyber sex?! just who does this twat think he is?
May. 13th, 2009 12:13 am (UTC)
indeed, who does this twat think he is.
May. 13th, 2009 07:19 am (UTC)
he's probably some lowly i.t. support gimp who writes like a 5 year old. i wouldn't waste your time.
May. 13th, 2009 08:29 am (UTC)
Just admit the truth, human contact & affection frightens you.

...or just say you love cock.
May. 13th, 2009 12:39 pm (UTC)
I do love cock, as long as it's my own.
Anyway "cyber sex" isn't human contact & affection, it's furiously masturbating to grainy images of someone else furiously masturbating to grainy images.
May. 13th, 2009 12:41 pm (UTC)
cam2cam?! Thats true love.
May. 13th, 2009 02:21 pm (UTC)
no one's asking him to type! can't he steal a microphone from his lowly support gimp job?
May. 13th, 2009 02:54 pm (UTC)
he probably still has a mic with all his old studio equipment, so i doubt that's what his issue is...the swine that he is
May. 12th, 2009 06:57 pm (UTC)
Yeah, I'm trying to figure out a world where you get denied for sex, but I realize, again...humans are stupid.
May. 13th, 2009 01:48 am (UTC)
and now the electronic world. *facepalm*
May. 13th, 2009 03:48 am (UTC)
"It's true...this man has no penis."
--Peter Venkman
( 20 comments — Leave a comment )