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Dear Craigslist.

I seriously cannot handle this spider shit anymore. Me and a fucking tarantula just had a 2-hour standoff. He's now under a margarita glass and the heaviest Sylvia Browne book I could find and he's going to stay there until he dies, because we're not having any further contact.

I am at my wit's end. If you are male and within 10 miles of me or so, you can be my boyfriend. You deal with the spiders and I'll do whatever it is girlfriends do - breakfast, anal, whatever.

Comments

( 20 comments — Leave a comment )
daddylovebucket
Aug. 8th, 2009 12:00 am (UTC)
damn you distance!
velouria
Aug. 8th, 2009 01:28 am (UTC)
damn you spiders.
botrinks
Aug. 8th, 2009 12:37 am (UTC)
tempting... put him out the window, spiders are our friends.
velouria
Aug. 8th, 2009 01:27 am (UTC)
not my friend.
velouria
Aug. 8th, 2009 02:20 am (UTC)
bleeech i just carried him file miles down the road and then ran screaming all the way back to my house, are you happy?
botrinks
Aug. 10th, 2009 08:23 am (UTC)
Not until I get my breakfast.
alexeiffel
Aug. 8th, 2009 06:32 am (UTC)
You've sold me.
velouria
Aug. 9th, 2009 02:50 am (UTC)
can you kill spiders from florida with your mind?
alexeiffel
Aug. 9th, 2009 02:53 am (UTC)
Yeah, sure. As long as you look away long enough for it to wander out of view.
velouria
Aug. 9th, 2009 03:16 am (UTC)
they just stand there and stare at you until you look away, too.
jonn68
Aug. 8th, 2009 04:00 pm (UTC)
a TARANTULA?

...the fuck?

Girlfriends do anal? This is news to me. But then I'm whipped.
velouria
Aug. 9th, 2009 02:49 am (UTC)
i dunno? write a handbook for me.
jonn68
Aug. 9th, 2009 03:39 pm (UTC)
"How to Annoy Your Girlfriend 24/7"

livenolies
Aug. 9th, 2009 01:13 am (UTC)
Your posts pretty much always crack me up -- this one is no exception. :)

velouria
Aug. 9th, 2009 02:50 am (UTC)
aw shucks.
velouria
Aug. 9th, 2009 03:46 am (UTC)
whoa, hold it. you're local! court adjourned.
tonnic_x
Aug. 15th, 2009 02:39 pm (UTC)
Promoting.
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Did you have a bad moment today? Did you experience something that was so awkward and embarrassing that you just want to say "F*ck my life" because it just had to happen to you? Tell us about it! Whether it be misadventures doing the naughty, oopies in public, or having to tell your old fashion grandparents that the new graphic shirt they got you doesn't mean what they think... we'll sympathize with you!

f_ml Hope to see you there!
velouria
Aug. 15th, 2009 05:11 pm (UTC)
only every moment of every day of my life.
tonnic_x
Aug. 15th, 2009 06:13 pm (UTC)
You meet the age requirements so you should join!
velouria
Aug. 16th, 2009 05:07 am (UTC)
haha. ha. oh. god.
( 20 comments — Leave a comment )